Dont read this one.

Before you people freak out on me, I know that I am blessed; I know that I am loved, and I know that I should always try to find happiness in every circumstance. But sometimes I get in those moods where it seems like everything is going awry and I can’t control anything. It seems like I just need to hit something or throw something, like everything and everyone is annoying and it’s all I can do to keep myself from screaming. I feel like I need to call someone but there aren’t words for what I want to say and there isn’t anyone that will understand. That’s where prayer comes in, because regardless of the fact that I can’t put my feelings into words, He’ll know what I mean. But it’s just like theres something pressed so hard against my chest that it’s hard to breathe and nothing can make it go away. I know it’s not right to vent like this but writing has always been my escape. I’m sorry I can’t blog about something happy or how I’ve been feeling so great lately. I won’t lie and I won’t smile and tell you things are ok anymore. I’m sick of trying to hide everything from everyone and I’m tired of people not seeing beyond it. I know I’m being irrational and hypocritical because sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own selfish problems that I don’t take the time to really and truly see how the people around me are doing. And reading this blog makes me sick to know that everything I’m typing is what’s wrong with me: what’s wrong with my life. I am so selfish and stupid sometimes. I get so down and when I finally feel like I’m climbing my way back to the top where I can truly be happy again, I get thrown back to the bottom. Why do I always make excuses for myself? My faith is like I’m standing on sand that moves with even the smallest wave of the sea and I hate it. The grace God shows me and the love he has for me even through my darkest and most selfish times is unbelievable. I don’t know how he puts up with me because sometimes I can’t even put up with myself. I hate that I am so selfish, and I hate that I am too stubborn to do something about it. Writing this is not to tell you everything that’s wrong with me, or to depress you, or to make you feel sorry for me, it’s mostly for me. And I will probably delete this entry within the next few days. I wish I could blog about having an awesome day and feeling the sunshine on my skin or staring at the sky in awe, and I’m sure I will soon, but today I am venting. Today I am writing a blog that will probably piss you off if you are one of those people who hate to read depressing/angry blogs, and I understand that. But today I needed to write this for myself, not to please anyone else. Selfish as it may be, that’s how I feel.