I've been thinking about this entry for a long time.
With every blog it is a challenge to find words that accurately describe what I'm thinking/feeling and make at least some shred of sense.
But in trying to write about camp, I'm finding that it is, in fact, impossible.
So, with that said, please excuse this sad attempt at a summary of my camp experience and bear with me as I throw together extremely random thoughts.
Camp was the hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life.
I had moments where I felt extremely distant from the Lord.
And moments where I seriously thought out the exact, detailed way that I would escape in the middle of the night and drive straight to Auburn.
But I also had moments where I loved every second of camp.
And moments where I had never seen Him work so evidently.
I had girls in my cabin who were the exact opposite of me and I had no idea how to relate to. And I had girls who, simply put, WERE ME in high school. They had a bipolar sibling or struggled with anorexia or were way too caught up in partying or drugs or a long-term, very unhealthy relationship with a nonbeliever.
I had a camper who was the varsity cheerleading captain of her high school, partied all the time, had a boyfriend of 2 years who didn't know the Lord, had major self-image issues, and even worked at sonic. She was me. And on wednesday during our one-on-one, I held her hands as she tearfully confessed her need for a savior in one of the most beautiful, honest prayers I've ever heard, and accepted Christ into her heart.
In no way whatsoever did I deserve to be a part of that moment.
I found that last year at Auburn I did a really great job of completely ignoring my past. It was like I came to college and changed so much, but I never really dealt with who I was or what I did in high school. I completely compartmentalized my life and tried to act like it never happened. But pinecove forced me to face it. And by letting him speak truth through me to girls who reminded me so much of myself, the Lord dug up everything I had been trying to bury and used it to refine and teach both me and my campers. I experienced healing. And it was raw and painful and hard. But still...it was healing. And it was beautiful and undeserved and awe-inspiring.
It's a paralyzing grace He lavishes on us.
I learned the importance of humility. And of obeying at all times, even when you feel a million miles away from anything and everything you've ever known.
I learned about modesty. And about community. And about what healthy relationships look like.
I learned what it looks like to be completely at the end of yourself, and how much better it is to live that way.
I learned that it is not, never has been, and never will be about me. At all. And that that is the most beautiful truth in the whole world.
I saw prayers answered within minutes. I saw lives change. I saw God reveal himself in a thousand different ways. I learned so much. And I'm still realizing ways that I've changed. It's like everything I was taught was sitting on the surface and now that I've left camp it's slowly sinking in.
Part of me is thankful for the experience but never wants to do it again.
And part of me wants to pre-sign for the full summer of 2010.
It was miserably incredible.
I am a different person than I was when I left for camp.
And I wish I had words that would do justice to my feelings about the time I spent there. But there just aren't. And I'm okay with that.
All I know is I'm different. And I'm very much looking forward to watching the replay of my 8 weeks at camp on a big screen when I get to heaven.
