...wHaT i ReAlLy MeAnT To SaY...

This week has gone by SO slow i cant even tell you. I've had two basketball games, a pep rally (which we put together in 3 hours,) 4 tests, a trip to the ER (explanation to follow,) HOURS AND HOURS OF HOMEWORK!!, family in town, and the extremely stressful freshman meeting - all with no sleep...

Okay so as for the lovely venture to Lewisville Hospitals Emergency Room...i didnt actually go. Brandon and my mom did. You see, Beauty and the Beast goes up this weekend and he hasnt had the greatest luck recently. Between rehearsals, school, and sleep hes managed to get pink eye in both eyes, drill a screw into his thumb while working on the set and then have to drill it out, a major sinus infection, laryngitis (or however you spell that) and a major concussion which he got after falling out of a chair. After ignoring his concussion for 2 days, he started forgetting his lines @ rehearsals and he basically passed out so they took him to the hospital. The doctors said if he had been hit in the back of the head one more time, he could have been paralyzed. Scary...

But I have to say the show was unbelievable. Aside from the few minor tech problems with the mic's, it couldnt have gone better. Jason did a great beast and, though I may be a bit biased, Brandon's portrayl of Gaston was freaking amazing. In my opinion this has been the best show that Marcus has put on in the past 4 years or so and its really cool that this gets to be his last musical. I'm going again tomorow to see Nurge and Brandon so you all should go too!!

And that freshman meeting I mentioned earlier? Yes well it officially made me way stressed out about grades and classes and credits and cheerleading and everything!! We got class ranks last week and though I'm in the top quarter with a decent GPA I'm no where close to where I need to be if I ever want to go to college. And after looking at all of my classes that I'm going to be taking and the classes that I want to be taking, I realized that cheerleading is really going to be a handicap. If I stick with it then I won't be able to take creative writing or journalism until my Junior year. My plan was to take one of those and hopefully get into Newspaper after that so I won't have to take a computer science class. but now I just dont know what to do. And my grades are sucking in biology right now. Not because the class is hard, but because I dont work at it and I have little to no motivation to do so.

The weekend is young but has been pretty fun so far. Keila spent the night last night after B and B and then this morning Heather and I went to Nathan's to help them move. Took us 52 minutes. That has to be a record. Planned on having lunch with everyone but didnt really know where we were going and Heather had an interview so now I have the afternoon and tonight to do with as I please. Not really sure what I'm going to do yet... which means eventually I will have to make a decision. And I really hate those... :/ yuck!

**I got a MoJo BoX...**

**You're some kind of WoNdErFuL**

...CoWbOy TaKe Me AwAy-fLy tHiS GiRl aS HiGh As YoU CaN...

The following are thoughts that continue to spiral in my head...

*i have to decide about cheerleading NOW!!
*i really should start doing my homework
*i really dont want to start doing my homework
*ive been in kind of a weird mood for the past few weeks and im not sure why
*im completely stressing over things that probably wont effect me in the next few months
*im not stressing at all over the things that will definently effect me in the next few months
*eLiZaBeTh LeE SpRiNg - simply because shes amazing
*brandons show is going to be unbelievable...
*im really good at keeping promises to other people, but really bad at keeping them to myself
*erin hinkle is such a stud
*i hate making decisions...a lot!
*coach bishop is going to be the death of me
*...that is if spanish doesnt beat her to it
*im really bitter about losing my camera...cough addie cough
*the furniture in my house is way too close together
*i want a hair cut really bad
*i love my CD's

**its about that time of year again...where the sun starts shining but its still too cold**
**i can show you the world...**

...i LiVe FoR LiTtLe MoMeNtS LiKe ThAt...

You know i started to write about my english class but decided that it would be the most boring blog ever. Then i started to write about my bestest friend Liz and our "cheerleading dilema"... if you will. But that plan fell through when i realized how much that doesnt pertain to anyone but us. So here I am making the effort to blog but cant pick a specific topic. Id rather not complain and whine today like I do so often. Nor do I want to even try to explain what is going on inside my mind right now, mainly because I've yet to figure it out. So I suppose I will just tell you all about my day...
*first i woke up and went to school w/ brandon
*then i went to biology and realized that I have a major test tom. (the one im avoiding studying for right now)
*then i went to english and turned in my paper that was on time! But it really wasnt that great because I didnt care enough about the paper's topic to do a good job.
*then was spanish in which i took the hardest test EVER!
*and finally cheerleading where me and natalie basically died in Kendell's waterfall
*then chris took me to starbucks to meet w/ nathan and we had an enjoyable conversation like usual...even if he likes to make fun of me for everything!!! lol
*after that was biblestudy which was really good tonight. As frustrating as it originally was our group is finally starting to open up with eachother which I think is really going to make our group closer. We went up to the church afterwards, like usual where I had my phone stolen from me and got to talk to Erin finally. Although...sad/happy note...we had to say goodbye to Alicia as she is headed to Holland tomorow. She will do great things there, no quesiton about it.
*and now i am, like i said, avoiding my homework and watching a History Channel show on former Presidents of the United States. Make fun of me all you want but I think its interesting.

So this blog really sucks...I promise a better one in the near future. Maybe I'm just too tired to type...

**but in the end You make it WoNdErFuL AgAiN!!** - thats the best song ever!

...PiNeCoVe...BiRtHdaY...

So Pinecove was definently amazing in every way. I look forward to Pinecove every year SO much and since this year was the first year that I got to go on the No Agenda trip it was even better. I assumed that I would have plenty of time to do homework and sleep in and stuff which didnt happen but it was still WAY better than i imagined. Its so cool to me that a group of people that are sooo different from eachother can have such a good time together doing stupid stuff like playing Ultimate Frisbee or sitting around a campfire talking.

I really enjoyed getting to know so many people better and just hanging out with people that I will get to spend eternity with. On the way home on the bus when everyone was telling what they learned from God on the trip, one of the girls said that she learned that people arent always what you think they are. I think God really made a point of showing me that on this trip...

He also showed me the importance of opening up to people because im definently horrible at that. But the one or two times that I actually did open up slightly this weekend really paid off.

Im super sore though because of climbing up the hill/mountains to inspiration point and the graveyard. And from playing basketball which i havent played since last year when i quit so i totally sucked but i still kicked danny and nurge's butts!! Which was super fun. Plus im sunburned and tea burned thanks to alex lol.

Regardless, It was over all a really fun weekend. From being scared out of my mind on the zip-line w/ heather danny and paulie, to sleeping ALONE in the middle of the field because someone left me!! to getting stuck in a sleeping bag on the dock w/ heather and keila...I just had a really nice weekend. Not too much to stress about... ((although I didnt do any of my spanish homework like I planned on or finish writing my english paper)) And had a wonderful, relaxing weekend. I cant WAIT until next year!!!

And as most of you know it is my birthday today!! :) Thanks for all the various birthday wishes on my last blog...i AM being treated like a Princess, Brent. Ive had a bunch of people come over throughout the day wishing me a Happy Birthday and stuff and Its just been really fun and relaxing.

Its been a gReAt weekend and it made me really thankful for all my friends and family. I think im beginning to figure everything out again. To get back up on my feet and start to turn things around...hopefully for good but i guess we'll see. And as much as i have continued to reiterate the fact that i love the rain blah blah blah...this weekend i realized that i love the sun too!

oh and happy birthday too Wes and Mrs. Scott too!! :)

**happy birthday...happy birthday...misery and dispair people dying every where...happy birthday...happy birthday...you are one day closer to DEATH!** - crossroads highschool version of happy birthday

**i hope you had the TiMe oF yOuR LiFe!**

...AgAiN aNd AgAiN aNd AgAiN aNd AgAiN...

Its 3:30 and I'm not at school!! :) I left @ 2:30 w/ Katie so I could come home and pack and shower and stuff for Pinecove...and also because school is the devil.
Today was a really good day even though I stayed up until 3:30 last night doing all the homework that I had AFTER the double header boys basketball games we had to cheer at... I finished all my projects and poem thing for english but didnt do my science stuff so I just figured Id take a zero, but @ the beginning of class my teacher said she had to take care of something so I had 20 minutes to finish it and made a 95. plus I got to skip cheerleading...which, even though thats more demerits for me, is good because I really didnt feel like going.
And hopefully this weekend is going to be really fun because it is PiNeCoVe afterall and then this monday is my BiRtHdAy!! and we dont have school so I'm pretty excited about it! :)

but i really have to go pack so be thinking about what you are getting me for a birthday present!!

**under the sea...under the sea...everythings better down where its wetter...take it from me...**

**you're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be...and I dont want to go home right now.**

...dO SoMeThiNg RiGhT FoR OnCe...

so i should be at tumbling right now but im not going because i cant see anything because my eyes are SO messed up and im stuck wearing glasses that are the wrong perscription because i cant put my contacts in and i CANT SEE! so i look like a total loser wearing these gay glasses to school and i have a pep ralley tomorow that i have to stunt in but i wont be able to see anything for that either. and i just have a lot on my mind right now.

**do something right...do something right for once**

**now i laugh more than i cry...you piss me off...goodbye**

**raindrops keep fallin on my head...**

And i just want to let everyone know that i love LiZ SpRiNg more than anyone in this whole wide world and she is GORGEOUS and way too good for certain guys that i know. She can get anyone in the world like ChAd MiChEaL MuRrAy because she is just so beautiful and wonderful and all around PeRfEcT. And stupid boys who do stupid things for stupid reasons with stupid people are nothing more than sTuPiD fReAkS!!!!!!

**she dont know shes beautiful...though time and time ive told her so**

**thats what you get for falling again you can never get him out of your head. Its the way...**

and i still cant decide about cheerleading...especially since things keep coming up when i have tumbling so im gonna SUCK at tryouts! and i have had SO much homework that i havent been doing...as usual. so my grades are AWESOME...

**and now im stuck as usual in this place that i have been before...waiting to get hurt again...wanting to be loved again...**

...yOu'Re tHe cLoSeSt To HeAvEn ThAt I'lL eVeR bE...

okay so i just saw the absolute saddest movie that i have ever seen...Ladder49...me nicole and marci were freaking hysterical in the middle of the theatre. It was such a good movie but i will never see it again because I cried so much...like seriously 15 minutes afterwards in the car i was STILL crying...gah it was SO sad...
i love crying but not usually infront of people so it was really embarassing. Ladder 49 and the Notebook are now the top two best crying movies. I strongly suggest you see it but if you are cry easily like myself then wait till it comes out on video or ppv.

**nobody calls her baby...nobody says i love you so...nobody calls her baby...i guess she'll never know.**

8 days till my birthday!! :)

...cHiCkEtY cHiNa ThE cHiNeAsE cHiCkEn...

Ugh! New shedual today...biology, p/ap english, spanish, and cheerleading. Its the first day and i have a test tomorow, paper due, and a bunch of spanish stuff but i dont really know what the assignment was because she didnt say one thing in enlglish!! And the paper she gave us said that we were going to have homework everyday and that it was 20% of our grade...and for those of you who DONT know...i dont do homework...EVER. So this is going to be a major problem for me.
School SUCKS hardcore!

...i JuSt WaNt YoU To KnOw WhO i aM...

I'm feeling extremely led to write today. I dont know why or what about but I just feel like inspired. Maybe its because of the dark, rainy weather...which is AMAZING!!! Gah i love it...or because I'm listening to Goo Goo Dolls and Edwin McCain...also amazing, or maybe I'm just a total loser...i dont know.

Part of me wishes I could get some feedback on the things I write, just to know if there is a reason to continue to expand my capabilities as a writer...but this would involve showing someone the feelings that I tend to not express on an everyday basis...hence why I write them down...which, i dont know, seems like it would be awkward.

Okay, do you ever just feel that like longing to go run outside and sit in the rain in your backyard with a pen and your journal and just like get out everything that is upsetting you or you've been struggling with...or is that just me?

Like I dont know, it just seems like it would be almost wrong if it was raining outside and I didnt go in it. Seriously...like those people that run from their cars to the door because they 'dont want to get wet'...aka all my friends...are SO freakin weird! Like the rain is unbelievable and like the concept of it is just incredible and i can not fathom why anyone would dislike it...

Does anyone even know what I'm talking about??...Or am I even more of a nut job then I thought i was??

**...AND I DONT WANT THE WORLD TO SEE ME...CAUSE I DONT THINK THAT THEY'D UNDERSTAND...WHEN EVERYTHINGS MADE TO BE BROKEN....**

...HoLd oN tO tHe SoLiDs tHeY pRoViEe yOu...

You ever have one of those days where you just wake up thinking it’s gonna be a crappy day? Yah well I had one of those today.
I suppose that starting off with that mindset doesn’t help the situation, but sometimes you just really can’t help it.
Well needless to say, I had a really crappy day today…and its not even over. Addie, Alyx, Nicole and I didn’t even get to sleep until 4 and then Drew friggin woke us up at like 9 in the morning! Gah I was SO pissed off. Then I was like WAY too tired to get up and do anything so I didn’t eat breakfast…which was my own fault but oh well…and ugh just one thing after another just makes today suck. And I have tumbling tonight at 7:30 which is probably the LAST thing that I ever ever ever want to do! Especially since I don’t even know if I’m doing cheerleading next year because I am the WORST at making decisions and can’t decide so really tumbling could just be a big waste of time!!! AND I just got moved to a different class because I used to take on Wednesday nights with ELIZABETH LEE SPRING but now I’m going to be with NO one that I know and it’s going to SUCK!
We have two days until school starts again and I think I’m going to kill someone. I would probably rather jump of a bridge into a fiery pit of knifes and snakes then go to school on Thursday. And this semester I don’t have a blow off class like I did last semester which means I’m probably not going to be able get away with not doing homework. Now I’m in Spanish too which I am the ultimate worst at so that’s going to sucks. And we have to turn in our registration for next year by Feb. 4th and try-out meetings begin in January which brings me back AGAIN to the point that I CANT MAKE DECISIONS and I don’t know whether or not to do cheerleading!! GR!
And I’m really bitter because I was supposed to get to go to cowboys last night w/ my friends which was going to be SO fun and we had clothes and stuff to wear and everything but then my mom decided that I would die if I didn’t go to church so that plan fell through.
So now I am stuck at home because my parents think I’ve been gone too much this week…which makes NO sense because it is, after all, Christmas BREAK! Meaning a break from my normal life…so I am sitting in my living room bored out of my friggin mind being forced to watch sponge bob square pants…aka the DEVIL…with my sister.
And I’ve been listening to my friends gripping about how their boyfriends don’t call enough or spend enough time w/ them or w/e and I’m sitting there thinking ‘well at least you HAVE one so SHUT UP!!’ but you know all my friends are frigging GORGEOUS so I don’t know why this is such a surprise to me but I’m still bitter about it.
I’m also really bitter that there are more people than I can count on my hand that have bitched at me this week for something or other in regards to “choices” and crap when really…I don’t see why they would care anyway.
And Brandon’s leaving for college after this year which for some reason is really upsetting me now even though there’s like 5 months until he graduates but still it sucks.

So now that you people have heard me vent about everything under the sun…imma go…

BUT IM STILL REALLY BITTER!!!!!!

**I’m longing for love and the logical…**

**Hear me…I’m crying out…I’m ready now…Turn my world upside down. Find Me. I’m lost in the crowd…It’s getting loud…I need you to see…I’m screaming for you to please…Hear me.**