Trick or Treat

Well here i am, at home on halloween night, while all of my friends are out having fun without me. Why am i home so early you ask? Because i cant drive and my totally cool parents refuse to drive me anywhere tonight. I mean God forbid i actaully have a good time on one of my favorite holidays. I can't wait until i get my liscense!!

Anyway, tonight i went to 3rd service church and Pastor Tim gave a really good message. He talked about pride - "the root of all human problems." He noted that many people dont get the help they need when they need it because of pride. It is hard to ask for help when you wish more than anything to not need it. But it makes me wonder, where is the line between humbly asking for help and becoming a burden to someone else. How do you know when you've gone from a person in need to a needy person? Tim also touched on, as he has many times before, the subject of the way of life for many and most christians. It is clear, that according to statistics of divorce, domestic violence, etc., Christians are not living very differently at all. And there is no doubt that we are called to live a life differently than the worlds way, but that raises the question - how are we supposed to live? What are we supposed to be doing that sets us apart? And why is it that whatever this may be, is so hard that there are so few people accomplishing it?

thought for the night - if you are going to give candy to trick- or- treat'ers - dont cop out and give the retarted sweet tarts and dum dums. Go for the chocolate.

i swear if i see one more of those freaking weight loss commercials where the before and after pictures are not the same people at all, im going to shoot my tv. Everything is so centered around looks and celebrities, its a wonder so many people have low self-esteem or eating disorders. To constantly be reminded that you dont look the way you want too is depressing. Why is it that it seems like everything always hits me at exactly the wrong time. All of weaknesses seem to be reaveled and its really starting to annoy me.
I highly doubt that i anything in this blog is spelled right or gramatically correct but i really dont care because i am so tired, i might die. I have gotten 8 hours of sleep over the past three nights. Tuesday night i got to bed around 11 which is somewhat reasonable but because of everything that is going on i couldnt sleep because i was just thinking. so i ended up going to sleep by 4 and had to wake up at 6...thats two hours. Then wednesday night liz spent the night so we could do our stupid cooking project for culture day and we didnt get to my house until 10:30 and with cooking time and everything we fell asleep at 2 to wake up by 6...four hours. Which puts me at 6 hours. Then last night after the football game(s) i slept over at nicoles because its her birthday today ok well really its tomorow but thats ok. The game was amazing!! We won 19-16 with our awesome defense because there was like 2 minutes left on the clock during the 4th quarter and they were 3 yards away from a touchdown. We were so pumped about winning because it was our last game and it was just so much fun. Anyway so we got to nicoles house at like 11 i think then we had to take showers and of course we stayed up talking because thats what we do, until i think around 2 or 3 im not sure and got up at 7...4 hours. So in conclusion i am running on 10 hours of sleep since tuesday. And tonight i am home on a friday night instead of out with my friends so i can sleep because i have to get up at 6 in the morning for the stinkin cross country meet!!! I am not a happy camper this week!!!!!

thought for the night... i dont have one actually so never mind

Walking In The Rain

I took my sister and my dog for a walk tonight. It was raining so Bridget brought her little pink and white checkered umbrella while the dog and i let the raindrops paint our skin. Well ok my dog's skin is covered in hair but you get the idea. I've heard that the strongest triggor of memories is scent and it definently smelled like the fish frys we used to have in Alabama. During the walk i decided to lay down in the middle of the road because i felt like it. My sister of course, thinking i was crazy to get so wet like that, sat on my legs and we got to talk. You must remember she is only eight so i couldnt talk to her about just anything but we did talk about the sky. The clouds were moving really fast and the moon was shining so bright. It was a really pretty night and those of you that know me know that I absolutely love the rain so I was in heaven. It kind of made me realize that my sister is not just the annoying little kid that always follows my friends and I around. When we were talking about the stars and how they are so far away that they might not be there right now but its taking this long for us to be able to see their light ((did that make sense?)) anyway, when we were talking about that she said something that really surprised me. she was like "isnt it cool how God knows exactly how far away those stars are. But i dont know how far away they are. When i try to think about it its like my brain gets tired before i can find the answer. And we will never know until we get to heaven when our brains will be huge and we will know everything." It's so beautiful how innocent she is and how much faith she has right now. I mean thats how i was when i was 8 but it still blows my mind. She is a real person with her own problems and one day she will probably be going through the same things my friends and i are going through. That is so crazy to me!! Well you probably dont care about any of this but i felt like saying it. It was a really great walk.

I always wanted to grow up when i was younger, now i would give anything to go back about 10 years

Lately something new has been revealed to me almost every day and it is becoming clearer that life is all about choices. The good ones can build you up and the stupid ones tear you down. The problem with me is the stupid ones seem to show more so than the good ones, meaning regardless of the times I can slowly start climbing back up to the top…I am still stuck in this deep hole in the ground. It is very frustrating but it’s my fault so whatever.

Anyway, if you will notice the time of this blog it’s pretty late on Wednesday night. I would love very much to be sleeping right now but instead I am awake with Liz making this stupid dessert that I can’t pronounce and is due first period tom. The problem is I kind of screwed it up because I definitely did not know which part of the egg was the yolk so its probably going to be disgusting and my entire class will die of food poisoning but I don’t really care.

Tomorrow night is our last football game that we have to cheer at. I have mixed feelings about it being almost over and really about cheerleading in general. I’m not sure exactly what I was expecting but this isn’t it. I mean I knew going into it that it would be time consuming and hard work, but I wasn’t aware that it would be like Hitler in the form of a sport. Ok that’s somewhat of an exaggeration but you get the jist of it. The thing is I was really hoping to fall totally in love with it but I’m not exactly sure if it’s the right thing for me. But then again I don’t really know very much in general so maybe I’m wrong. Time will tell I suppose.

By the way… congratulations and best wishes to Lizzie and Wes & Nathan and Kim!! I’m so excited for yall and I love you so much!!

Thought for the night – I really wish I was still in middle school.

i have officially lost my mind

Valedictorian...here i come!

Someone who I’ve always been really close with hasn’t said a word to me in three weeks. And I know it’s not because I did anything wrong; he simply wont/doesn’t want to talk. The thing is I can see his pain even though he has no idea that I’ve even noticed he’s upset. He doesn’t know that I care or that I’ve stayed up all night waiting until he got back from driving around just to be sure that he made it ok. It seems as if the times someone needs you most, are the times they don’t ask for help, and the times we see them in need, are the times where there’s nothing we can do.
Anyway, I haven’t really slept the past two nights so I’ve been extremely tired all day. I slept almost the whole way through 1st period and a little in 3rd. Funny how those are the classes that actually count towards my GPA and I just so happen to be almost failing. Then I spent most of my afternoon in detention, where I figured out how to make my CD player play the radio…country music is a nice break from Dashboard every now and then. I really should have been doing my homework but I did my cheerleading signs instead…and I wonder why my grades suck.

2 1/2 day weekend

Took exams this week, didnt go too well but we got out at 12 on friday because of them. So nicole addie alyx and i went to el chico for lunch and got to talk for a while. The waiters basically kicked us out because we had stayed too long but we didnt really care. Then we just kinda hung out around my house till like three because i had to start getting ready for the Axe game. We had to be @ the school at 4 so we could get to the stadium by five. Why we got there so freking early is beyond me. Sold programs from about 7 until half time. Got yelled at by cooley for selling to "the wrong people." Apparently hugging your friends, girls or guys, while in uniform is against the rules. How dare me! Anyway, we had to sit with the cheerleaders for the rest of the game which everyone was bitter about because last year they could hang out w/ their friends but it really wasnt that bad when we killed Lewisville. Well we didnt actually kill them but we did win and we will be keeping the axe for another year. Heck yes
After the game we rode back on the busses again and i got to talk to one of the girls about life and her family and how religion plays a part in all of that. It was really cool because ive never really had a serious talk with her before and it was interesting to see how she felt about different things and all that jaz. About 30 minutes before we got home all the cheerleaders started screaming, like actually screaming the lyrics to a million different songs and while we pulled into the Marcus parking lot at midnight we finished our lovely concerto with the Marcus fight song. We were all really hyped up about winning and it was so much fun. My brother came and picked me up and we drove around for a while screaming dashboard with the windows down at midnight driving way too fast. Pretty cool guy that brandon, usually. He finally dropped me off @ alyxs and i spent the night there w/ addie and nicole. i love those girls even though nicole didnt shut up until 5 flippin 30 in the morning!
Yesterday i went shopping w/ nicole and alyx. we were trying tofigure out what to wear for liz and marci's party. Which was so much fun! We had an awesome time. Went to liz's at like 12 for the night w/ kristin, marci, valerie, alyx, and sam but he had to leave at like 2:30. And i had to be at church early this morning so i got like no sleep all flippin weekend.
and i took a lovely walk to the field out in the back of the church today. Sat down and had one of those emotional contemplating life moments for about 20 minutes. Then realized that i was sitting on a frog. God sure has a weird way of humoring me. I was so deep in thought all i was seeing was the sky (which was beautiful tonight.) I wasnt really aware that i was sitting behind my church, during the third service, in the itchy grass, staring at the sky, all by myself... muchless on a frog. Good news though, he did survive the unfortunate mishap.
We are now 1/4th of the way done w/ the year. Which means i have 3 and 3/4th years left of highschool...
and tonight i totally grew to appreciate the beautiful reality of people who are totally honest and always themselves. i wish so much to be like those people as i think most people do. people are so beautiful when they stop trying to be what they're not.

thought for the night - the more i know the less i understand

This is what you get when you're bored in 3rd period

Wavering, this decision lays its head
settleing down to a long nights rest
hush, dont speak you'll make it worse
the minute busted this racing curse
my 3-D world looks so flat,
this triumph lost the joy it had
my victory hollow to the price we pay
to the choice we make
was it worth it now
you can hide the sticks but the drums still play
can you stand your voided daze
believe the sun will rise again
prove them wrong and shine
but they all know you're acting
i wish i felt what you need me to feel
but im following the ghost of something so unreal
the sun disapears when i close my eyes
we're running out of time
brace yourself
the tissue box is empty and we're all out of stock
pleading, we're all running to and from the shadows
who are you kidding
we're stuck where we started
isnt this the best?
wavering the decision starves for rest.

Dont read this one.

Before you people freak out on me, I know that I am blessed; I know that I am loved, and I know that I should always try to find happiness in every circumstance. But sometimes I get in those moods where it seems like everything is going awry and I can’t control anything. It seems like I just need to hit something or throw something, like everything and everyone is annoying and it’s all I can do to keep myself from screaming. I feel like I need to call someone but there aren’t words for what I want to say and there isn’t anyone that will understand. That’s where prayer comes in, because regardless of the fact that I can’t put my feelings into words, He’ll know what I mean. But it’s just like theres something pressed so hard against my chest that it’s hard to breathe and nothing can make it go away. I know it’s not right to vent like this but writing has always been my escape. I’m sorry I can’t blog about something happy or how I’ve been feeling so great lately. I won’t lie and I won’t smile and tell you things are ok anymore. I’m sick of trying to hide everything from everyone and I’m tired of people not seeing beyond it. I know I’m being irrational and hypocritical because sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own selfish problems that I don’t take the time to really and truly see how the people around me are doing. And reading this blog makes me sick to know that everything I’m typing is what’s wrong with me: what’s wrong with my life. I am so selfish and stupid sometimes. I get so down and when I finally feel like I’m climbing my way back to the top where I can truly be happy again, I get thrown back to the bottom. Why do I always make excuses for myself? My faith is like I’m standing on sand that moves with even the smallest wave of the sea and I hate it. The grace God shows me and the love he has for me even through my darkest and most selfish times is unbelievable. I don’t know how he puts up with me because sometimes I can’t even put up with myself. I hate that I am so selfish, and I hate that I am too stubborn to do something about it. Writing this is not to tell you everything that’s wrong with me, or to depress you, or to make you feel sorry for me, it’s mostly for me. And I will probably delete this entry within the next few days. I wish I could blog about having an awesome day and feeling the sunshine on my skin or staring at the sky in awe, and I’m sure I will soon, but today I am venting. Today I am writing a blog that will probably piss you off if you are one of those people who hate to read depressing/angry blogs, and I understand that. But today I needed to write this for myself, not to please anyone else. Selfish as it may be, that’s how I feel.

3-day weekend

Friday - Went to keilas at 6:30, drove to sonic and then the game. And even though we lost by one stinkin point in overtime, it was an awesome game. Slept @ keilas for the night.

Saturday - Woke up at like 10 to get ready for the game. Abby had like 20 of her OU friends come over as well as Dave Semelbeck and The Hursts. Keila and I watched the game upstairs because A: there was no room left in her living room and B: i was wearing UT shorts and was afraid of getting jumped. I didnt really have a preference about who won but considering everyone else in the house was for OU i just went along with them. Which turned out to be the smart thing to do when OU won 12-0. After the game there was a series of Boomer Sooner chants and singing so Keila and I left. We went for a walk in the rain; it was just barley drizzling but the ground was completely wet. We stopped after a while, layed down in the middle of the street, and talked about life and God. It was awesome. then she came back to my house, we went to see "Noises Off" @ marcus bc brandon's in it and it was really good. If you get the chance you should go see it.

Sunday - keila left this morning really early while i was still asleep. Im probably gonna hang out with addie and nicole today because i havent all weekend and then might go to church tonight.

Tomorow - sleeping in and then going up to Marcus to decorate for Axe Week, its gonna be fun but its not the best way to spend my last day of the three day weekend.

you probably dont care about any of this but i felt like typing it so i dont care. Ü

Keilas Blog

So keila made herself a blog and its super cool. you should check it out... mynameiskeila.blogspot.com

by the way does anyone know how to add the list to the side of your blog w/ links to other peoples blogs??

Couldnt fall asleep last night for some reason. So i caught up on some reading and cleaned my room. then i turned all the lights off, opened my window and listened to the rain. I can not tell you how much i LOVE the rain!! I think i fell asleep about 2:30 but i didnt sleep very well. Woke up at 4:45 and just couldnt go back to sleep so i got up, got dressed, and went running. It was still dark outside but there was enough street lights that i could see. It was so weird because i started and could not stop running, I ran for about twenty minutes which is also weird because in all honesty, if i had run for 20 minutes any other day i would have been dieing! I finally came home and showered and got ready. Strange way to start off the day.

We played Flowermound tonight and lost by 7 points. It was their homecoming though so i suppose its for the best. And as a bonus we only had to cheer @ one game tonight because the other team played last night so i got home at a reasonable hour.

And we have a pep rally tomorrow but we arent performing very much. Im still excited though.

thought for the night - liz is my favorite!!

Shoes Dont Stretch

Sometimes its hard too see how much people are hiding behind the "smiles" especially when its something you dont want to see. But then you do see it, and you feel terrible for not being there for them, for not caring enough to ask "how are you" and actually mean it. You see how much pain someone has in their life that they dont show anyone. You totally relate. But you still feel terrible and now theres nothing you can do. How is it your best friend can keep a secret so dark for so long..

thought for the night - i need a poptart

Its A Beautiful Thing

Time and time again i am constantly slapped in the face with the reality that procrastination is NEVER the best way. I am now waiting on one of my group members to email me her portion of the essay that for some reason i was put in charge of so i can go to sleep. I also have to write MY part of the essay, and do my visual. Cool how im gonna be up till all hours of the stupid night finishing this. If i had just done it yesterday then tonight i could sleep but no...that would be the responsible thing to do.
Regardless, and much to my surprise i had a decent weekend. Friday i went to the game w/ nicole with plans of meeting up w/ lindsey and heading to Ryans with Liz Scott and Taylar. Well somehow that didnt work out and after being soaked @ the football game w/ the unexpected rain i ended up spendin the night @ lindseys. We stayed up till like 3 talking and watching One Bad Trip and woke up @ like 11 - much to my horror - and had and omlete for breakfast. (that was beside the point but it was really good) I got back to my house by like 12 and fell asleep again. Of course no one in this house even noticed that i was sleeping much less cared to wake me up. So i slept until my brother jared and chris were having a sword fight right infront of my window, which was 5:30! I mean ive gone with out a decent nights rest before but ive never came home the next day and slept the whole afternoon. It was really weird. Anyway, Saturday night after i woke up i went w/ nicole and addie to see Little Black Book. Decent movie, not exeptional but decent. Then we went to Cantina Laredos which was really awesome and I finally got a chance to really talk to them which i havent gotten to do for a while. They people burned our desert so we got it free and i got to simultaniously watch the Auburn Game...which we won by the way because we are just SO good!
They came back to my house after dinner for the night..we watched like 20 min. of Saving Private Ryan but then turned it off to go to sleep. Party Animals i know.
Downsides of this weekend...i made a few choices that are just stupid. The kind of choices that at the time you think are fun or cool or w/e but then in hindsight you just feel SO stupid. Well stupid is really not the right word...more like guilty. Ok Guilty AND stupid. The kind where the price you pay is high and the victory hollw.
Anyway tomorrow brings another week. Of school and cheerleading and chaos. And choices. And my plan is to make the kind of choices that wont make me feel guilty...wish me good luck.

thought for the night - if you think sunshine brings happiness, you've never danced in the rain.