"Suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Will he not first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. In the same way, any of you who does not give up EVERYTHING he has cannot be my disciple."
Luke 14:31-33

Jesus doesn't just want a little. He wants it all. Everything we have. Even if all we have is not much to give...

I receive His love and then I hate.
I ask for guidance and then refuse to listen.
I hear truth and then choose lies.
I am content and then empty.
I am hungry and then distracted.
I am confident and then pridefully self-conscious.
I am watchful and then blinded.
I am refreshed and then exhausted.


it never ends

and it makes me dizzy

Dear Self,

We need to talk. I mean this in the most loving way possible, but you suck. When are you going to realize that it's not all about you? When are you going to stop focusing on your purpose in life, your dreams, and your problems, instead of His purpose for your life and everything that follows? You've got it all wrong. "For everything, absolutely everything, above and below, visible and invisible,...everything got started in Him and finds its purpose in Him." (Colossians 1:16/The Message)

Also, you're welcome to receive joyfully the gifts of God that come from a relationship with Him, but you need to be seeking that relationship more than the gifts. Go after Him and His heart first, and let His gifts of joy and hope and everything else be a sweet byproduct. "Seek the Lord and His strength; seek His face continually." (Psalm 105:4)

And most importantly, quit being lukewarm.
No one wants your complacency.
There's nothing noble about being mediocre.
It's not enough to be "better" than the secular world. God's love is crazy and relentless. So then you should be crazy and relentless in your pursuit of Him. "Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says." (James 1:22)
Self, you are living in a world full of lukewarm, mediocre people. The type of people that make you so mad you just want to scream. So don't settle for what they've got. Be radical and crazy. Be what Jesus expected of His followers. Don't just refrain from sin, hate it. Be hard-core. Putting nothing before Him, including you. And above all else, love Him. "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." (Mathew 22:37)
Shape up, self.
There's work to be done.

I like pumpkin spice lattes and banana nut bread.
I like hot vegetable soup and warm whole grain rolls.
I like big woolen scarves and old fitted jeans.
I like converse and sperrys with thick patterned socks.
I like blankets and movies and sweet kettle corn.
I like sweatshirts and jackets with big furry hoods.
I like football and longsleeve t-shirts and hats.
I like thanksgiving and going home finally.
I like fall.
And I'm so excited that it's here.

Today I'm going to...
*take a psychology test that i didnt study for because i studied for three other tests this week and just couldnt force myself to do it anymore
*go to all my classes in pajamas
*skip biology
*spend money i dont have on gasoline and starbucks
*drive to Sylacauga to spend the weekend with my grandparents
*have quality time with God on the drive
*enjoy being alone
*sing obnoxiously in my car
*rock the glasses and no-makeup look
*read a lot
*write a lot
*do absolutely no homework
*be loving
*be thankful
*be content.

I'm doing NaNoWriMo.
I don't know why I'm doing it...I have no time for anything as it is.
But I'm pretty excited about it.

That is all.

I've wanted to double major in Spanish and Marketing since I can remember.
I've seen my self walking downtown in a power suit and drinking unhealthy amounts of coffee and doing awesome projects and traveling and collaborating with other business people and making good money and so forth...
I never really gave thought to any other major...it was marketing and spanish. end of story.
But maybe I don't want to do that anymore.
Maybe I never want to wear a suit in my entire life.
Maybe I want to drink unhealthy amounts of coffee in jeans and old sweatshirts and slippers.
I still want to travel and collaborate with other people...but not about business stuff.
I'd rather just see the world and embrace it as a testament to God's glory.
And collaborate with people on interesting stuff. real stuff. eternal stuff.
And I'd still like to make money of course...but I don't want money to make me.

So what do I do?
I mean, I know this is not very original.
I know most people change their major 2, 3, 5 times throughout school and it all works out fine.
I know it's normal for people to go off to school and want to do all these radical, awesome things and have all these radical, awesome ideas.
I'm nothing new - i get that.

But I don't really want things to turn out fine.
I want things to be incredible. And radical. And awesome.

I want to do so much more than get an average degree, settle down with average Joe, and live in average neighborhoods doing average things.
There's nothing wrong with average...
And there's nothing wrong with degrees and settling down and living in neighborhoods either...And I don't mean to imply that I find all people with degrees who've settled down in neighborhoods to be average...
I just don't want it for myself, at least not right away.

I want big and awesome and radical and exciting and eternal things.
I want the urgency of the news of Christ to run my life rather than the urgency of next month's paycheck.
I want to go places and see places and read books and write books and learn things and share things...
I want to do so much that I can't even streamline my thoughts enough to write them down.

But I just wanted to make note of that to anyone who's reading this... because if I start to settle for average, I want people to be there to hold me accountable.
...call it the overzealous dreaming of a naive girl if you want to, I won't mind.
But I'm just warning you that I'm going to continue to dream overzealously (is that a word?) ...so if it bothers you, stop reading. =]

Okay. Confession.
I haven't been completely honest. Well I haven't really been honest at all. With you, dear blog, or with myself.
But here goes.
I’m lonely. I’m overwhelmed and homesick and lonely.
I have no family, no core group of friends...and this doesn't quite feel like home yet.
In dallas, I knew people. I walked down the halls between classes of Marcus High School and knew a LOT of people. I was comfortable. Cozy.
I went to Starbucks and the baristas knew me. They noticed when I got a hair cut. They knew what drink to make without me even needing to order.
I went home and hung out with my parents. They hugged me when I had a bad day. They knew when to push about what happened and when to leave me alone. They loved me.
And then I pick up and move off to Auburn, Alabama. Where I know NO ONE…not one person.
And I join a sorority. Where sure, I meet people. I learn faces, names. Some hometowns. I meet my roommate, suitemates, a few girls on my hall.
And then classes start. And I walk through campus and no one recognizes me. No one sees me in my sweatpants and t shirt and remembers that I actually can look half decent when I try…they just see the sweatpants and the t shirt.
And I’m in mostly basic courses so I'm in lecture rooms filled with about 300 random people. I meet a few people that I sit near, mostly just through complaining about the tests or the homework.
And football starts. And its great cause I'm already an Auburn fan, I know the cheers and the fight song. I go with my suitemate because we're getting to know each other and we get along. And there are thousands, literally THOUSANDS, of people all around who I don't know. And the stadium feels a little small.
Is this the best year of my life? Is this what all the hype was about?
I think everyone’s putting up a big front. Everyone looovess college. Facebook pictures show the awesome people they’ve met or partied with. But they don't really know them. They change their status to prove to all their friends back home that they're having a great time. But are they?
I bet if everyone just stopped pretending, we'd all admit to being a little lonely.
Cause let's face it, college is scary. It's new and different and weird and intense. I mean absolutely everything has changed.
And I don't think everyone's having as much fun as they're pretending too. I don't think I'm alone in still being a little scared and missing her mom and dad. I don't think I'm the only one counting down the days until thanksgiving.
I’m just saying, all this pretending is starting to get old. Cause we all know it will get better, but until then, would it kill everyone to put a little honesty out there?
Cause if I’m being honest, it’s taking a little longer for the “best four years of my life” thing to kick in then I thought it would…
But PLEASE don’t mistake my frustrated complaints as a cry for sympathy. I may be uncomfortable and lonely and homesick and overwhelmed. But I've never felt closer to God.
I've had more spiritual *moments* in Auburn, Alabama than I ever have anywhere else. I've learned more about myself and about God in the past two months than I did in all four years of high school.
And I know He was just waiting for the perfect time to reveal them to me.
And I take comfort in knowing that that time was now, in the midst of the chaos.
I have no doubt that He will provide me with the friends that I need and the comforts of home that I miss from flower mound, and I will wait patiently and joyfully because I know that He is good and His timing is perfect.
So don’t feel sorry for me. Don’t call my mom and tell her to send me a care package or call your dentist’s ex-wife’s niece who goes to Auburn and tell her to befriend poor, little me. Cause I’m good.
I’m living. Really living. And it’s the most refreshing thing in the world.
…I just figured in order to justify my frustration with everyone else who’s faking it right now, I should probably quit faking it first. So there you go…

My best friend Keila Christine is coming to stay with me this weekend.
She'll drive in from Arkansas tomorrow night and leave Sunday afternoon, which will undoubtebly come too quickly.
She is by far one of my favorite people in this world.
Since we've been away at school, our relationship has only strengthened. We talk all the time...
We share the joys of college.
We share the struggles of being a Christian in college.
And her friendship is just amazing...one of my most precious blessings.
So really I just wanted to say how excited I am that she's coming. Because God has done, is doing, and will do amazing things through this girl. And I am so so so thankful that she is my friend. And that she's coming tomorrow.
YAY! =]

I know I'm not the first person to think this, say this, blog about this.
But really why does everyone seem to gauge the "college experience" on dating?
I'd say about 98% of the conversations I have with friends and family include "so...have you met anyone yet?" or "how are the boys in your life?" or something along those lines.
You know I get that most people meet their future spouse in college. I think thats cool.
But maybe I just don't want to meet anyone right now.
Maybe I'm getting things right with God and with myself before I even attempt to try to get things right with a guy.
Maybe for the first time in my life I'm learning what its like to be okay without a boy.
It just feels like the awesome things that I'm doing and experiencing and learning take a back seat to dating.
And I know that people just want the best for me. I know they just care about my life and don't mean to lessen the excitement of the other parts of college.
But I guess its just annoying.
Cause I am doing and experiencing and learning awesome things.
Like younglife, and sorority formal, and flag football, and running, and small group biblestudy, and reading.
So thanks for asking, grandma/friend/cousin/whoever. I really do appreciate it...honestly.
But no, I'm not dating anyone and yes, when I am I'll let you know. I'll tell you all about him...
until then, lets talk about something else.