...BuT He'S OnLy HaPpY hYsTeRiCaL...

Spent the last 4 days with Nicole, Alyx, and Addie. We slept @ my house last night which always sucks because my house is so small that we have to be quiet. But it was still fun, we stayed up till 3 playing cards, talking, and rocking out to Spice Girls, Vanilla Ice, Goo Goo Dolls, and Kelly Clarkson. Gah i love these girls.

Its New Years Eve which is one of my favorite nights of the year. But im really bitter because we took like forever to figure out what we wanted to do and after we finally decided to go to this one party, it gets cancelled. So we're probably just gonna stop by my church's bon fire tonight for a little bit and then go somewhere after that...It's always fun when I'm with those kids so I'm not too worried about it...To be honest I'm really glad this year is over, not that I think 2005 is going to be amazing either, but this year pretty much sucked so the fact that its over is fine by me.

Alyx, Addie, Nicole, and I are going to CoWbOyS on sunday and I'm so excited. And I'm actually going to have something to wear because we went to GVM on tuesday and there was a whole bunch of stuff on sale. Its gonna be so much fun and we totally deserve a night out!!

And I've decided that Im not making a New Years Resolution this year because every one I've made in the past has never gone through so I dont really see the point in setting myself up to fail. I can do that plenty on my own.

**I waited for your call but it never came...and caring for someone never felt so lame.**

**Here's the part where I walk away...The part where I say goodbye. But wheres the part where you notice that I'm gone?**

...iTs ThE WaY ThAt He MaKeS YoU cRy...

when this break is over...im moving to Hawaii...because other than a few selected people...i pretty much hate it here.

...YoU LoSt YoUr ChAnCe...

...Christmas Gift Top 10 List...

1) New Phone!!! - www.virginmobileusa.com click on "Phones and Accesories" Second one down...KyoceraSlider™ V5 *MTV Edition ... gah i love this phone!!!! :)

2) Acoustic Guitar/case/pics - even though i really suck right now...im working on it and this will certainly help

3) CD/Mp3 player and headphones - i cant go a school day with out a CD player and mine really sucked because ive dropped it like 20 times so i really need this

4) Eugene H. Peterson's The Message - very pretty with a leather cover and such

5) Alpine Slippers - they are like shoes from heaven...slippers that can double as normal shoes for school and church with like fake fur on the inside and omgsh SO comfortable!!

6) Moulin Rouge DVD - Brandon bought it for me...which makes the disney princess blow up chair that i bought for him seem somewhat less exciting...

7) $125 - from the random extended family members...much better than the usual savings bonds though.

8) Assorted Aeropostale Clothing - including the best freaking sweatshirt ever and a bunch of clothes that dont fit or w/e that i can return for a full refund...

9) New Makeup - when your eyeliner is about 1/2 inch long and your idea of lip gloss is vaseline...its time for some new beauty products

10) Christmas Pj Pants - i havent taken them off since last night and im not planning on doing so any time soon...they are SO comfy!!

Hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas!!

**its the most wonderful time of the year...**

...SaNtA cLaUsE iS CoMiNg To ToWn...

It's Christmas Eve finally. But it doesnt really feel like Christmas to me. Maybe its because we just got out of school or because for the first time in like 8 years my family hasnt traveled anywhere, but regardless it really sucks. I wish i still had that excited feeling about Christmas and presents and all that Jaz. But i dont and its not much fun.
This Christmas is kind of sad to because this is the last year that Brandon is going to be here. Which sucks because this is the first year that he and I have actually gotten along. Bridget and I always stay in his room on Christmas eve and make this big event out of it which is always pretty fun. He can be really cool when he wants to be and I am basically going to die when he leaves for college or for whatever he is going to do to become a famous actor. ((which i am convinced is going to happen.))
I finished all my Christmas shopping yesterday with Nicole, Addie, and Nick. We went to the mall and ran into so many people that we knew. We had lunch with Ryan, Scott, and Scotty and saw like Keila and her family too. It's crazy how many people save all of their Christmas shopping for the last minute. It sucks though because this year all of my gifts really suck. Its partially because I'm broke though. I went to buy heather this perfume that we both absolutely love but it was like 50 bucks. I felt really stupid so i told the lady that I would have to go get my purse and then come back. She just replied with, "right"...apparently I look broke too. When i was checking my messages on my cell phone yesterday it beeped and was like "We're sorry. Your phone does not have the proper funds to complete this call. Please pay the required amount and your service will be accesible again." Its somewhat depressing.
The break has been really fun so far. Went to Julies party...played in the snow with Liz, Taylar, Krista, and Cory...hung out with Nicole...its been pretty cool.
And since I will have nothing to do tomorow after the usually gift-opening and holiday food eating, I'll tell the like 3 people that read this what I got.
I'm gonna be such a fat kid!
Merry Christmas!

**A best friend walks in when the world walks out.**

...BuT tHe FiRe iS So DeLiGhtFuL...

its snowing...its snowing...its snowing!

exams are freaking over *i probably failed* but they are over.

Its FINALLY christmas break!
And its going to be SO much fun! Starting off tonight w/ Julies Party...

So today looks a bit more like Christmas...

Im so happy its Christmas Break!!! gah i needed it!

**Sometimes you wanna go...where everybody knows your name. And they're always glad you came...**

...And NoW i cRy iN tHe MidDlE oF tHe NiGhT fRoM tHe SaMe DaMn tHiNg...

just spent three freaking hours studying w/ Liz in Chick Fil A. I really hate Chick Fil A.

More importantly I really hate exams. And school. And the days leading up to Christmas.

Im ready to be out of high school forever.

Im ready for Christmas to get here and be done with.

What I really want to do is go lay down in my bed with cookied dough listening to my new CD that heather gave me and forget about grades and cheerleading and everything.

**how can my heart possibly break...if it wasnt even whole to start with.**

...ThAnKs To YoU...NoW i GeT...WhAt i WaNt...

so its saturday morning and im awake SO early! I dont think ive been awake this early on a saturday in forever...im really contemplating going back to sleep.

anyway...so last night was Progressive Dinner. And thanks to Liz the apple ankle and Lindsey the Midget, i looked...well... okay i didnt scare people off. We had a lot of fun though. I got a traffic cone for my white elephant gift but it got stolen and im really bitter about it!! It was nice to see everyone in their best attire and to hang out with some really cool kids.

Tonight im going hot tubbing w/ possibly my favorite people in the whole world. People who love me for my flaws and are always there no matter how much i screw things up. So im pretty pumped about that.

Last week went by extremely slow again. I seriously wasnt sure if i was going to make it to the weekend...but i did. And what do i have to look forward to after tomorow??? EXAMS!

Exams that are basically going to determine whether or not I fail my classes. Exams that are going to suck hardcore and I will probably fail with flying colors no matter how much I study.
Exciting?...i think so.

But at 10:45 on wednesday I am done with it all! No more geometry, history, geography, or theatre. Which means no more doing math homework 10 minutes before its due or studying for Adkison's tests the morning before. Downsides... no more daily routine of walking from first to church hall to drama together w/ keila. No more being hated by Adkison with Liz. And no more 2nd period blow off class with keila, shannon, garret, and of course Steve Jones!

But I can not wait until Christmas break. Two weeks of no school... gah its going to be amazing!
It doesnt feel like Christmas time quite as much as it should though. I mean there are seven days until Christmas and I just dont have that excited feeling like I usually do. Either its like too warm outside or I just have too much on my mind to think about it. Regardless, I still have massive amounts of Christmas shopping to do and not very much time to do it.

Basically I just rambled on about a bunch of crap yall probably dont care about so Im gonna end this now.

**And i dont want the world to see me, cause i dont think that they'd understand. When everythings made to be broken. I just want you to know who i am.**

i WaNt YoU aNd YoUr BeAuTiFuL sOuL...

"you'd think that people would have had enough of silly love songs.
i look around me and see... it isnt so."

it seems like everyone around me is falling in love with some one, stressing to buy christmas gifts for their girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife whatever. There are Christmas commercials with couples kissing in the snow on an ice skating rink or standing under the mistletoe by the fire, or taking romantic horse-drawn carriage rides with hot chocolate and a blanket wrapped around them.
guy-"do you believe in santa clause?"
girl-"of course"
guy-"he helped me pick this out..." ((pulls out a ring and they kiss in the snow))

then theres the Christmas music about falling in love.
"in the meadow we can build a snow man. and pretend that he's a parson brown. He'll say 'are you married' we'll say 'no man. but you can do the job while you're in town.'"


And of course the Christmas movies. The romantic proposals on the gazeebo with white christmas lights under the snow. The young couples spending their first Christmas together in a gorgeous, quaint log cabin in the mountains.

Its so depressing! Why cant I fall madly in love with someone and take romantic carriage rides together? Why cant I dance under a gazeebo to Frank Sinatra with someone who wants to be there just as much as i do? I know, obviously that this is not the reason for the season but you cant blame me for feeling this way. And if you want to, then bring it.

"ill be true. ill be usefull, ill be cavalier. ill be yours my dear and ill belong to you. if you just let me through"

"and ill be..your crying shoulder. ill be your love suicide. ill be better when im older. ill be the greatest fan of your life."

Officially Boycotting Mirrors...

so i just tried on my dress that im wearing to progressive dinner. It's the same dress that I wore on my cruise this past summer...awesome how it DOESNT fit anymore!!! Ugh! I mean it fits but I look freaking terrible in it and im really pissed off. And when your best friends are all gorgeous freaks who wear like size zero in jeans...it really makes it worse. I've battled this stupid self image problem since like the fourth grade and had pretty much become comfortable in how i looked for a while. But that was before I gained a million pounds. Awesome. Im really seriously about to make that flight to anarctica or siberia or w/e. And wear big fuzzy coats that everyone looks fat in...you just wait.

a;lsdkfja;lskdjf;awiuer;oiajsdrf;lkajsd'f~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

iN A mOmEnT...EvErYtHiNg CaN Ch@nGe

the bottom of the clouds fell out. They couldnt take it anymore. They had too much inside...too much pressure thats been buliding up. And they just let it all go...

the result...?
its raining...its raining and lightning and the sky is gorgeous. Its storming like crazy and i would give anything to sleep outside tonight.

I sat in my car and watched the rain roll down my windows. And for a split second, the lightning would turn the sky from black to bright blue and purple. I wish there was a way to capture those moments...i'd save them forever.

Had a pretty crappy day...but im SO glad its raining. Im defeninently in a rainy kind of mood.

**tomorrows another day...and im thirsty anyway...So bRiNg oN ThE RaIn**

iF EyEs aRe WiNdOwS To ThE sOuL...iM gEtTiNg CuRtAiNs

LyRiCs i LoVe...

"i dont wanna be anything other than what i been trying to be lately"

"does it comfort you to know you faught the good fight?"

"void of all discretion."

"my faith is like shifting sand, changed by every wave."

"girls lie too"

"our little pony-tail girl grown up to be a woman and shes gone in the blink of an eye"

"she wants to go home...but nobodys home, its where she lies...broken inside"

me and liz's song:
"no one ever stabbed you in the back, and no one ever lied straight to your face. YOU MIGHT THINK IM HAPPY BUT IM NOT GONNA BE OK. everybody always gave you what you wanted...you never had to work it was always there. you dont know what its like...what its like.
to be HuRt, to feel LoSt, to be LeFt OuT iN ThE DaRk, to be KiCkEd, when you're DoWn...to feel like you've been PuShEd aRoUnD...to be on the edge of bReAkInG DoWn...and NO ONES THERE TO SAVE YOU."

"she walked away...couldnt say why she was leaving. she walked away...she left all she had believed in"

"sWeEt HoMe aLaBaMa"

"why arent you dancing to the music thats inside my head?"

^these are by far the ugliest colors in the world