...cHaSiN oUr LiVeS...

So its summer. Praise God that it is summer.
Brandon graduated last night. And I did not cry once, thank you very much. Keila and I clapped for all the people with funny names, and of course the ones we knew. And we decided which boys we would marry according to their last names. I'm going with Michael Daily. That'd be a rockin name. My cousin Lindsay married a guy named Josh Lindsey. So now her name is Lindsay Lindsey. That rocks too.
ANWAY, it summer and i'm loving EVERY second of it. From the movies, to everyone's "kick-off-summer parties, to graduation parties, to just hanging out with friends - summer is AMAZING. My curfew is 12 now because my parents trust me! :) So that's awesome. AND my air conditioning broke so they are basically making me stay at other people's houses. So that's even more awesome. And I'm SOO excited because tonight im going to CoWbOyS in Arlington w/ the girls!!
Not to mention the fact that i leave for cheer camp in 4 days and for Mexico right after that!!!
Mexico is gonna rock. I'm dead excited. And thank the Lord for rich grandparents and a loaded uncle with a 5 story house because I'm about 30 bucks away from raising all my money.

The weather is gorgeous.
My family is amazing.
I'm driving the sebring everywhere.
Summer nights are the best.
My calendar is PACKED with trips: 'bama w/ keila to stay on the farm for a week, GA with my grandma for an all day spa trip, the beach w/ the family for a week, a weekend in Arlington with JUST my brother, cheer camp, AND mexico!!!

you're jealous...i know it.

SUMMER FREAKING ROCKS!

.: making my way down town-walking fast-faces pass and im HoMeBoUnD! :.

...LiViN iT uP iN ThE HoTeL CaLiFoRniA...

Not much to blog about I don't guess. It's finally summer. Freshmen year is finally Over. But I don't get to enjoy it yet because I have cheerleading. Goody. 9-11 in the freaking morning. Plus my grandparents and uncle are coming in for graduation on Friday. That means I have to sleep on the couch again. And that sucks. But on a good note Jena AND Katie (two of my good friends that moved away) are in town...-well jena comes on Sat.-...so I'm really pumped to hang out with them. But I leave for cheer camp a week from tomorow...then Mexico. And I am SOO excited about that!! But I know that I'm gonna be dead by the end of my trip. So beware of super mean bailey. I dont know - like I said, I don't have much to blog about.
Yesterday I went to El Chico w/ the girls (and eric and clay) for lunch, then to Nicole's for a while, then the cheer party, then hung out w/ chris, and finally to Kara's for the night. It was pretty fun. We were supposed to go out on the lake this morning but we woke up late and then I had to go home to clean.
After that I had coffee with Brent. It was good but we had at least 3 near death experiences, including 2 deadly spiders and a hurricane. There was even debris when an empty pizza box attacked without warning. But aside from that it was muy bueno. Gotta love Brent. Then I went to the Grotto for Bekah's birthday. That was really fun too. But I can't stay the night w/ them because of GAY CHEERLEADING AT NINE IN THE FREAKING MORNING. So now I'm wathcing the season finally of American Idol. I'm such a party animal.
I dont know, I got nothing. When I have something of interest to write, I'll blog.
As for today, I'm gonna watch TV.

...I WoNt SaY GoOdByE ToNiGhT...

Last night I went to see SpEcTaCuLaR SpEcTaCuLaR with keila, erin, katie, marissa, tiffany, shannon, rogan, steven, brian, jamey, josh, and nikki. (I hope I covered everyone) Anyway, It was a pretty good show. Brandon, Jason and James MC'd it. It was basically just a combination of songs and dances that people had made up. Brandon did a solo from Jekyl and Hyde. (I have no idea how to spell that) It was really good though. There were a few acts that were just dumb and a song that I loved was destroyed but other than that it was a good show. Right before the final act Brandon, after repeatedly getting cut off, gave a little speech about theatre and how it changed him and about Rita. That's when I started to tear up. Then he started talking about how it was his last time on stage at Marcus and probably his last time to ever be on stage with his best friend Jason. Then HE started crying. So by this time, like a total idiot, I'm balling my eyes out. They finish the final act and it all goes down hill from there. All the seniors were on stage with their friends and families sobbing. Brandon, Jason, and Jared (his two best friends) walked over to each other and gave each other a hug and broke down. Now mind you, I've seen Brandon cry ONCE before this (i mean aside from when we were little.) So I'm just dying. And every one is crying, even people that don't know the seniors. And Brandon walks over to my parents and they're all crying. And I walk over and he hugs me and we're both crying. And Jason and Corinna (Corinna is Jason's girlfriend, who went to Prom with us, and who is leaving in 3 weeks when her foreign exchange program ends) are hugging and crying. And it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Honestly.
It just sucks to know that he's hurting so much and I can't do anything or say anything to make it better. I mean he's leaving all his friends, his family, and Marcus Drama which is his LIFE. And on a selfish note, my big brother is leaving me. He's lived next to me my ENTIRE LIFE, we've spent every christmas together, every birthday, all of our vacations together. We've been to Disney World and Gulf Shores, the Caribbean and Florida. He was my ONLY friend when we moved...8 times. And now he's moving out? He's leaving me forever. I mean I know I'll still see him...after all he's only going to Arlington. But to spend 15 years living with someone, and to have it just end...just like that? It's not fair. I hate it.
So bare(bear??) with me if I'm a little emotional in the next few days. I've never been through this before, and It's killing me.

...sToP mE...

if you could give me one gift in the whole world...what would it be??

comment...or DIE

...wOuLd iT bE OuT oF LiNe...

2 1/2 more days!!!!!!!!
2 1/2 more days!!!!!!!!
2 1/2 more days!!!!!!!!
2 1/2 more days!!!!!!!!
2 1/2 more days!!!!!!!!
2 1/2 more days!!!!!!!!
2 1/2 more days!!!!!!!!
2 1/2 more days!!!!!!!!
2 1/2 more days!!!!!!!!

Summer is FINALLY on its way. I have spanish oral exam today, spanish listening exam tomorow, biology and the rest of spanish on monday, english on tuesday, then...sUmMeR!!!

Which this year is going to consist of...
*Cheer camp
*Mexcio (hopefully...this is granting that i can get some serious cash in the near future)
*Lots of work :(
*Music camp
*ORANGE BEACH/GULF SHORES!!!!!! - im sooo excited!
*Hanging out with friends
*Going to stay on the farm for a while
*SLEEP!
*Liz leaving me for a WHOLE MONTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :( :( :(
*And a million billion other things that I can't even imagine...

I'm more excited than ever...

- lets just hope i can make it through these exams...

-16 ThErE's sTiLL TiMe FoR YoU-

*So the bill about the high school cheerleading funding crap didnt go through. They said that the Texas Legistlature had "bigger fish to fry." No kidding...

*Finished Anne Lamott's Traveling Mercies today. It was really good. Not at all what I thought it'd be, but really good. She seems like a pretty cool chick if you ask me.

*6 1/2 days of school left. 6 1/2 long, boring, deathly days. I dont think I'm gonna make it. I've made it through 9 months, so you'd think 6 1/2 days wouldn't be so hard. But no. These are going to be the longest days of my life.

*So I've had about 14 of those "Okay, this is it. I'm going to lose weight. I'm gonna do it this time. For real. 10 pounds. I can do it" moments. And so far, I'd say 5 have actually gotten me somewhere. Not 10 pounds but 4 or 5. And thats better than nothing.
Well, I had one again today. I feel disgusting. It's not really even a matter of wanting to look better so no one will think I'm fat, although that is part of it. Mostly I just feel gross. I want to be healthier. I want to be in shape and not feel like death after running a little bitty mile. Plus, it seems like everyone around me is getting into this whole work out thing. Lindz and Jordan are going to Lifetime now, there's a million people that are joining the hac, Nathan's training for a 5k or 10k or something k - though I'm not sure what a K is. I'm guessing it's a kilometer, which is stupid. America's too good for the metric system anyway.
Okay I'm getting side tracked - my point was, there's no reason why I shouldn't jump on this excercise band wagon and lose these extra 10 pounds. I know I'd feel a whole lot better about myself, and my bathing suit would probably enjoy not getting stretched out.
I'll let you know how it goes.

*So for now, I have to focus on surviving thest 6 1/2 days of torture. How anyone could view going to school as an act of worship like we talked about it Sunday school today is a mystery to me. I should work on that. 6 1/2 days of worshiping God - sounds a lot better. (and a lot harder)

... i wanna be your crystal baller ...

Tonight was the Marcus drama/musical theatre banquet. I went not only to support Brandon, but also because a lot of people I knew from when I was in drama were going. It was soo much fun. And I'm extremely proud because I only cried once through out the entire night: when Brandon, completely unexplectedly, won a $15oo scholarship. It was really cool. As much as he drives me up the wall sometimes, I'm really proud of him for everything he's done in drama and MT. I'm also extremely jealous that he found something that he loved, and was (& is) awesome at it. You could tell how much it's hurting him to be leaving Rita and drama when he almost broke down on stage. Ok, thats a little extreme, but he definently did get emotional and tear up - "Man Crying" as he calls it. If he doesnt make it big one day, no one ever will. He's an insane, off-the-wall, hypochondriac that's extremely lazy and selfish, but for some reason, I still love him, and it's gonna kill me when he leaves. As for my parents, they both cried, along with both of my grandparents...I think it's really starting to hit us that this is his last few months at home. And between work and Audrey, I have a feeling that most of it won't actually be at home. That pretty much sucks.

...i FeEl i MuSt iNtErJeCt YoU...

Tonight I drove the sebring home from church, after the 15 minutes I spent convincing my dad that I could do it. He just about had a heart attack. This car is his baby. He idolizes it. I wouldn't be surprised if he even checked on it before he went to bed - a tradition that he stopped doing w/ my brother, sister, and I. How's that for depressing? Anyway, I did a pretty good job and i loved EVERY SECOND of it. Top down, good ol' Alan Jackson CD on, it was awesome. Aside from the fact that every car behind me was pissed that i was going to speed limit...stupid parents' rules. Oh well, just a few months and I'm gonna be driving however the heck fast I want. Sort of.
Actually with my luck, my parents will get one of those secret tracker things. The ones that tell you how fast the person was going, where they went, what stops they made, and how long they were stopped for. That'd be fun.

...DeFyiNg GraViTy...

Okay, God. You brought me this far. You let me screw up a million times. You let me run as far as I could. You let me slap you in the face over and over and over. You watched when I made some of the worst decisions of my life. You sat by and let me throw away friendships that meant more to me than the world. But you protected me the whole way. You didn’t get fed up with me when I did everything that I could to piss you off. You loved me the whole time. You walked by me every step of the way. So what now? What more could I possibly have to let go of now? Why would you bring me this far, just to drop me off of this huge, rocky, orange cliff? Why would you strip me of everything and everyone that I have known for the past three years of my life, and then walk away? Or at least make it seem like you did. Where the hell am I supposed to go from here? How much more do I have to do to make things right? Because to tell you the truth, I'm just about ready to give up.

This is one of those times when I really wish God could talk. Don’t get me wrong: I realize that we can hear Him when we are quiet, and listen. But I just wish that, just this once, he could slap a big, yellow post-it note on my fridge to tell me the plan. Or just whisper a few words in my ear to tide me over until dinner.

I was recently reminded of one of my all time favorite quotes when it was repeated on the Sunday night show, Grey’s Anatomy: “Why do I continue to hit myself in the head with a hammer over and over again? Because it feels so good when I stop.”

Well, I’m ready to stop. I’m ready for things to feel good again. So why can't I stop hammering...

yOuR WeAtHeR pAtTeRnS...DoNt eXpLaiN...

Tonight I'm working sonic from 7 - 10 for cheerleading. (its the one on Morriss across from MHS) So you should TOTALLY come up there and ask for me to deliver your food!! DO IT! Last year was so much fun when we did this. Except we worked the sonic in the LHS district which was really stupid...we got some interesting looks. This is one of the things I do like about cheerleading, along with the car washes and some of the other fundraisers we do. I'm planning on getting a job at sonic sometime next year. I would now but aside from my full schedual, you have to be 16.

Today has been pretty productive so far: I've cleaned out my closet, gotten rid of one full box of clothes, made a poster to sell shares for Mexico because as of right now im NO WHERE NEAR where I need to be, drove around with my mom, took a shower, and caught up on some reading.

After sonic I'm going to Nicole's for the night with addie, alyx, marci, kristin, julie, and I don't know who else. This should be fun considering I havent hung out with Addie, Alyx, and Nicole since 6 weekends ago. Thats called weird. These are the girls that I basically lived with last summer. The girls that used to know absolutely everything about me. The girls who were with me when my life went completely upside down. The girls who helped me through a tough breakup. The girls who I helped through mulitple tough breakups. The girls who I made a pact with that said we'd never loose our frienship. The girls who spend 2 hours in a closet with me just talking about everything thats going on. The girls that I have so many memories with I can't count. And the girls that I have plans with for the next 3 years of high school, including summer road trips, our mega fabulous senior trip, prom, and everything else.

Strange how God changes things.

Anyway, come see me tonight and I'll love you forever!

.: Heres to the nights we felt alive, heres to the tears you knew you'd cry, heres to goodbye - tomorows gonna come to soon :.

i MiSs ThE LiFe...

Today, though I had set my alarm for 6:30, I woke up at 7:40 frantic and sore from cheerleading. I threw on my sweat pants and a t-shirt that didnt even match. Ate some Crispix, put my nasty hair into a pony tail, grabbed my stuff and I was ready to go. 8:15. Perfect. It almost made up for the fact that I looked they way I did, which was horrible. But then my dad decides that he's NOT ready. So I didn't actually leave until 8:33. Arive at school...8:42. Second day in a row that I'm late. Suck.
So I walk into my class room at 8:46. Open the door, still not quite awake, and see a room full of people that I've never seen before. I quickly said "Oh shit" and went right back out the door. Nice exit, huh? So I'm standing in the middle of B-hall, checking to make sure I went into the right room, which I did, and totally confused. By now I'm so frustrated with everything that I might have exploded if I hadnt seen Shannon down the hall way. We just kind of walked around until we finally found our class, in the lab room. This is where it gets EVEN better...
Coach Bishop "Go get a tardy slip..."
Me "Are you kidding me?"
Bishop "Actually yes, sit down."
Me "Thank the Lord"
Bishop "Okay you all need to get in your groups, grab gloves, aprons, and goggles, and go to your lab tables."
Me - thinking in my head - "What are we doing?"
Bishop "I'll bring you guys your rats when everyone is ready..."
Me "RATS?!?!?!"
We're disecting rats...not only do I find this completely revolting...I also find it wrong. I mean I'm not gonna go vegetarian and join the green party, but there's a difference between raising animals so high schoolers can rip them apart and supposedly "learn" something and the food chain.
Between my already stressful morning, and the kid next to me thinking he's funny and stabing the friggin rat with his scissors, I break down. My goggles are filling with tears and I'm doing everything I possibly can to not look at this poor, little rat. Then theres my good friend, Bethany, across the room swinging the rat's small intestine all over the place. I love that girl - but SICK!
That lasted WAY too long, but finally the bell rings and I go to second period. Then I realize that in all my haste I had forgotten my book, phone, and asprin for cheer.
The day just went by SO slow. My spanish teacher graded my test wrong, I didn't have a lunch, my throat and knee were KILLING me, and cheerleading kept us later than we though so Chris was just sitting in the parking lot for 15 minutes waiting on me.
And like the wonderful girlfriend that I am, I get in the car and unload my entire day on him without even thanking him for waiting. Then he just drops me off and I let him leave without apologizing for being such a downer. I don't know why he puts up with me...
And now - to make things worse - I have to miss the O.C., Laguna, and E.R. because I have to go SIT in the stands doing NOTHING at the baseball game for cheerleading. Why? Because the universe has devised a plan to ruin each and every day for me.
I mean obviously I know thats not true, but sometimes I really wonder.

Blink Blink Blink Blink...

Its been a few days since I've blogged. So I decided to blog. And here I am - blogging - with nothing to say. Well actually that's a lie. I have plenty to say. Just nothing blog worthy.
So...I blog. "Create new post" ... I skip the title - that can wait considering I don't have any good songs or quotes in my head. Move on to the body... Start a blog about cheerleading. Erase all of that. Terrible writing - terrible topic - just terrible. Start again. This time talking about insecurities...they seem to be taking over lately. But what is there to say about that, other than what every other person in the entire world has said for the past hundred years. So I erase all that too. Then I decided to just take a break. I write a stream of conciousness blog that I'll keep as a draft, then get off the computer. Watch the end of Super Nanny. Take a shower. Come back and try to start again. "Create new post" ...nothing. Not one word. Which is hard to believe because I have SO much in my head, but when I try to start writing ...nothing. Just a white page. And a verticle, black line - blinking at me impatiently. As if to say "well...I'm waiting." Then when I don't respond, it blinks faster. "You suck" "You suck" "You suck" "You're not interesting..." "And you suck." "I hate you" "And did I mention that you suck?"
It's a very intimidating experience. So I figured I'd just get this blog out there before I drove myself into the ground. It's a blog. Not a very good one. But it's a blog - and I wrote it. Thats enough for me.