sCaRs hEaL...gLoRy FaDeS...

A few months ago I was hanging out with Keila at her house and we randomly decided to watch some of her home videos. One movie that we watched was a performance put on by all four of the Lorenc girls when they were younger. In one part of the "show" Ali Lorenc does a cartwheel and ends up hitting her foot on the side of a desk. It was one of those things that you kind of saw happen very slowly and right after it happened your own foot hurt because you could tell how hard she hit. We rewinded the video and watched it again...Right before she started her cartwheel, i almost wanted to scream at her to stop because, obviously, we knew what was going to happen. We saw her start the cartwheel and no matter how much we wanted to stop her from getting hurt, there was nothing we could do. You just had to watch it and feel the pain with her when it happened.
I think there are a lot of people who have felt that same thing before. You can tell when someone, or even yourself is headed in to something that is going to end up painful and as much as you want to stop it, you can't. Or you dont. That feeling pretty much sucks.

Almost as much as when you wake up on a Monday morning and know that you have a whole week until you get a break from school...that one sucks too.

thought for the night: a best friend walks in when the world walks out.

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most." :)

a TiMe FoR PeAcE...i SwEaR iTs NoT ToO LaTe

So its mid-afternoon on saturday. Thanksgiving break is almost over and i think im gonna cry. I have the rest of today *which will most likely consist of sleeping because i didnt sleep the past two nights* and then tomorrow before i have to spend another whole freaking week at school.
I cant remember if i have homework or not. Im really hoping that I didnt because im obviously not going to do it.

As you can tell from this blog's title i have that Turn, Turn, Turn song stuck in my head. I dont know why, i havent heard that song since like 5th grade when we listened to it in Leap while doing our spelling tests. I dont even remember why we listened to that song but w/e. The point is its stuck in my head and its really annoying.

This week has been very interesting to say the least. I ruined my family's thanksgiving...
You see our dining room table is not quite big enough to fit my whole family and our food so we have these little leaf things that fold out from the sides of the table and hinge up or something like that. So i walk into the dining room @ 2:30 on thanksgiving afteroon. My mom had set up all the food, her grandmother's china plates and dishes, all of our food which she made completely from scratch...minus the turkey obviously..., candles and a beautiful flowered centerpiece. ((She usually goes all-out on holidays.)) Needless to say it was a beautiful table and my mom decided she wanted to take a picture of it. So she went into the kitchen and I decided to sit down at the table and wait for the rest of the familiy to get their drinks and w/e. And just as i gently put my hands on the edge of the table-leaf to sit down, it all went crashing down. Apparently the leaf was not hinged correctly or something so it just dropped along with all of my mom's homemade food, my great grandma's china, and pretty much most of our meal. Excluding the turkey and like one casserole. I just stood up and started crying. She worked all day on that food to make our thanksgiving like awesome and i ruined it. Her initial reaction of course was like "what the heck happened?!?" but after realizing that it was not completely my fault everyone calmed down and moved our turkey, and sweet potato casserole into the breakfast area to enjoy a small, but lovely thanksgiving meal. But if you know my family then you would know that i am probably not going to hear the end of it for a very long time. You would think that after 3 days of making fun of me, my dad and brother would have lived it down...but no. The punches just keep on coming.

Friday morning my mom and I woke up at an un-godly hour to go shopping. Our original intention was to wake up and go, grab coffee and a muffin or something at starbucks, and shop until we ran out of money or died. Well we ended up spending like an hour at starbucks because we started talking and if you know my mother you know that the woman could talk for hours. But it was nice, we never have time together without my little sister or some sort of distraction so it was cool to be able to talk to her. I think she is slowly starting to realize that i am not so little anymore. But we both wish that i still was. We only went to one store, Khols. We went with the idea of shopping for presents for other people but i saw a few things that i felt that i needed. Of course now i realize that i could live without that really cute shirt but i havent been shopping for clothes in like forever so a little treat every now and then is nice. We stood in line for literally FOREVER. It was rediculous how many people were there. We ended our shopping trip at about 11:30 which is way earlier than i usually even wake up so it was weird to think that i had been up for 6 hours already.

I really should go outside and journal. I can enjoy the beautiful weather while sitting in my favorite tree in my backyard. The sun is shining so brightly and its an awesome temperature...it would be perfect to journal...but my bed is just so much closer... :)

"You have to accept the past to change the future."

i NeEd A VaCaTiOn FrOm My LiFe...

So its already wednesday. And i just got home for the first time since monday, i think. I've been w/ addie nicole and alyx for the most part but we hung out w/ brian matt and jimmy too. It was weird because we havent all hung out together since before school started, but it was really fun. I kinda forgot that it wasnt summer for a while because we were doing all the same things we used to. We had a giant water fight, Girls vs. guys, and we totally kicked their butts. We were freezing, but it was definently worth it. We listened to 80's music and ordered pizza. And annoyed the crap out of addies parents. Yeah we probably didnt make the smartest choices at times and i have a few regrets - but i cant do it over so im just foccusing on all the fun we had.
Right now im at home and freezing my freaking butt off because my parents apparently dont understand what central air/heating means. Nicole and addie are out of town for the holiday and keila has company so im basically just vegging @ my house. I think i probably need some time to myself for a little bit. Im gonna watch Shrek 2 w/ my lil sis and drink coffee by the fire. The weather is BEAUTIFUL!!
Omg did anyone go outside last night? The sky was amazing...I was freezing but i didnt really care. We were all in the hott tub and it started raining. Like addie said the raindrops looked like sparkles on the pool. lol. But like the way the clouds were breaking away from eachother and revealing bits and pieces of the really dark sky was freaking gorgeous. I could have stared at that sky forever. I have a feeling this week is going to end too soon.

My check list for the rest of the week:
*dance in the rain
*spend some time w/ my dad
*hang out w/ keila bc i havent seen her all week
*text w/ addie and nicole until they come home
*have coffee w/ nathan
*find someone to dance in the rain with
*enjoy the weather outside
*journal on the top of my car port in the middle of the night
*drive around with the windows rolled down listening to my favorite music
*talk to brandon
*figure out the meaning of life

i'll tell you how it all works out.

"sunday morning rain is falling and im calling out to you."
"snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes. silver white winters that melt into springs. these are a few of my favorite things."

31 days till Christmas!

7 more days without school

Spent friday night w/ heather going to the last half of the worship thing which was really good and then broom hockey. We ran through fog and across a really scary bridge, went 95 mph down the highway and almost died on the turn, tried on prom dresses and laughed like crazy when heather got stuck in her gertle. That kid is crazy.
Then last night i went to village w/ cristina and brian. Been missing her like crazy so it was fun to spend a little time with her. Not really enough time to talk but it was ok. Then i went over to alyxs w/ her and nicole. We stayed up forever talking and watching Bad Santa. We ate nachos and burnt cookies. The movie was pretty stupid but we still had fun. We listened to dashboard and talked about life and our faith and boys and friends and everything. Addie was at her soccer game so she couldnt be there but we still had so much fun. It was really cool to be able to talk to those girls because i like never see them @ school. Its really hard when like we all have so much going on and none of it is the same stuff but its cool to be able to not talk for like a week and then pick up like it was nothing. Its crazy to see how much we've all changed. some good and some bad. Its funny how the things you were once completely sure of, become things that you dont even want to think about because its too big of a question in your mind. We are all total different people then we were in May. Strange how 6 months can change so much about your life and about yourself. Kinda scary. Makes me wonder where we will all be 6 months from now. Life is strange.

"i dont want to fall away from you"
"plane old jane told the story bout
a man who was too afraid to fly so
he never did land."

its the end of the fourth quarter with 2 minutes and 31 seconds left. Auburn is up 21-6. My dad is dancing around the house and singing the auburn fight song. Ok well alabama just scored. 21-13. My dad stopped singing and dancing. This is extremely intense. My whole family is sitting together in the living room. We have been since 2:30 this afternoon. Im not sure you realize that rarity that we all spend more than 15 minutes together....ever. Sad that it takes a football game, once a year to make this happen. A minute 24 left in the game... its 1st and 10 - auburn ball. Ok 3rd and 17...dads yelling at the tv. We're about to win this game. Theres no way that we can loose now. He's gonna be a in a good mood the rest of the night and probably tomorow as well. Usually with football games that arent auburn, i think he takes it too seriously. But not only is this an Auburn game, this is THE most important game of the season, and we're about to win. Strike that...we did win. Auburn couldnt be any better. 11-0, undefeated. This has been a really good game!! Looked grim @ first, but we came back to kick some Roll Tide butt.

thought for the day - War Eagle!!

eVeRy BoDy aLwAyS GaVe YoU WhAt YoU WaNtEd

Every day in 4th period we have to study hall until 3 for cheerleading and then walk outside and around the building to the locker room to practice. But when it rains we get to walk through the school instead. Well today during fourth period it was raining and while everyone walked through the commons to get there, me liz and brooke walked in the rain and it was so much better! Rain is so wonderful. By the time i got home it had stopped raining and there was an amazing rainbow that seemed to circle the sun. It was beautiful...i think God knew that i need that. Just a little reminder that things will work out eventually, no matter how much life sucks right now. It never ceases to amaze me that even when my faith is wavering and im not serving or even walking, God cares enough to give me exactly what i need. Today ended up not being so bad after all.

Lord knows i've been needing time off for a long time now and the fact that we have only two more days until fall break is freaking awesome. A week with no school, no homework, (not that i do it anyway,) no cheerleading, no waking up early. omg its going to be a good week.

"i love when it rains because no one can tell that you're crying."
"why arent you dancing to the music that's in my head"

i HoPe YoU HaD ThE TiMe Of YoUr LiFe!!!

ok sorry about last nights post...i suppose i kinda ranted on but you know how it is when you're just in one of those moods. i probably should stop blogging when im pissed. sorry.

yOu MiGhT tHiNk iM HaPpY...

every time i blog it seems i am deleting or re phrasing many of my sentances because certain people might read them and said people could possibly take offense or judge me or w/e. But thinking about it now, doing that is really defeating the purpose of blogging in the first place, therefore i am no longer going to word my entries to the comfort of the few people that read this, its now going to be honest feelings and concerns and if you think differently then suck it up or comment. i dont really care - im just sick of having to fake it just so you people wont think certain things of me. And if that is me being a bitch, im sorry.

a few things ive wanted to say for a while but keep forgetting to do so...

liz - you are honestly one of the coolest kids i know. i love listening to sad music on cooleys floor everday with you. Thanks for understanding what im going through and being there for me. I know you are dealing w/ the same stuff and i just want you to know that i love you, you're wanted, oh and one more thing - please come home. lol :)

to everyone who is honest and doesnt lie and isnt fake - thanks...you people are what make this world bearable

and to everyone else - you should think about being like the above stated people, because in all honesty - yall suck.

nicole addie and alyx - i dont know where i would be without yall! thanks for not judging me and always making me laugh...even when it is because you people are SO blonde!! i love yall.

keila - you're a good kid, i know its kinda been rough lately but i appreciate the fact that you put up with me more than you should. I respect the standards you hold and envy your ability to stay strong no matter what is thrown at you. ((but next time i put something about you in my bio...you better put me in yours lol. i sounded SO gay!!))

brandon - thanks for letting me whine @ you in the middle of the night. that meant more than you know. i love you SO much. but uh no more friends sleeping in my bed k?

"subconciously, i wish you saw what im hiding."

i DoNt WaNt AnOtHeR pReTtY FaCe...

So our show went up tonight and aside from a minor technical glitch in the opening scene, it went well. No one completely screwed up, no one died, and a few audience members cried. We have three more performances - the saturday night and the sunday and saturday matinee's. Im pretty excited aobut them but i will also be glad when its all over. These past two weeks or so have been pretty stressful and extremely busy. Saturday night is when keila's cast performs. Im really excited for her and i know she will do great. In some ways its actually kind of nice that i sucked too much to not get a part. lol. Not having to remember lines or be stressing about my mic is wonderful. Tomorow is a saturday and i am spending the whole flippin day at school. I have to be there at 7:45 for the Jr. High clinic when we teach the middle schoolers cheers and stuff, and then we have two performances. And it sucks becuase nicole and addie are having "movie by the fire" day and i cant be there.

thought for the night - tomorrow is most definently a spotty dotty thermos day!!

tO bE On ThE EdGe Of bReAkInG DoWn...aNd No OnEs TheRe To SaVe YoU

today i went to school late again because brandon woke up late again.
went to second period to watch my brother get written up because he walked across the Marcus stage with no shirt on in the middle of a performance just for a dollar...i swear we're not related.
cried in the middle of third period because i was listening to my CD of sad songs that lexi made me and Concrete Angel came on.
looked like a freak w/ liz in cheerleading while we were rocking out to my sad song CD while walking behind the school.
looked like a bigger freak trying to do the dance we have to teach on saturday for the middle school cheerleaders... :/
went to rehearsal to waste more of my time because westbrook changes the flipping blocking EVERY day and our show goes up this weekend!!!!
went to church to help out w/ middle schoolers and watched the scariest thing of my life when michael gray split the top of his head ((But he's ok now :) which is good))
went to starbucks to watch amanda lock her keys in her car and call the fire department to unlock it. they brought out the big truck and everything. it was So funny! i wonder what katie sem had in her back pocket the whole time... :)
then got home and ended my day w/ my parents being mad @ me again...but what else is knew??

so all in all my day went from bad to good to bad. if the pattern continues tom. morning will be good! cross your fingers :)

Its weird to think about the days when i was younger. Like thinking back i can remember tiny bits and pieces of my childhood but not very much. But its crazy to think that just like today is and this week will be for me, thats how those days where at that time. And one day i will think back about these days and only remember bits and pieces of something that is so real to me now. I want those bits and pieces of memories to be good memories, to be something i can look at and smile about. But when i think about the past 4 months or so i dont remember happy bits and pieces. I dont remember the little things that made me smile, i remember the big things that im still dealing with today. I remember the times i went to school in sweats and flip flops because i didnt feel good and didnt want to look nice. I remember the day that i made my best friend cry and didnt even know it, all the times i whined and complained about my problems when there are SO many people going through much more difficult things, and the times i hurt peoples feelings by being selfish and prideful. And then i think a little harder and look a little deeper and remember the times i wish i remember first. The time when my three best friends and i listened to 80's music all night and were laughing so hard that addies dog freaked out and bit nicole, the time when i snuck out of my house to go on a walk in the rain at three in the morning, the time when i woke up at 5:30 in the morning to kidnap addie and take her to breakfast for her birthday and realized in the middle of the resteraunt that there was a giant hole in my pj pants, and the time i couldnt keep a straight face in church because keila and i were laughing about birds. Its weird how fast time goes. Like when i was 6 or 7 i used to dream about being a teenager and it seemed like it would never happen, but now i am one and i barely remember even being 6 or 7. I dont know, that just seems really weird to me, and scary at the same time, because now i cant freaking wait until im out of highschool and away from all of this, but when i get there im going to look back on these four years and only remember bits and pieces of it. I just really hope that i will remember the good things first.

ShE WaLkEd AwAy

She couldnt take one more day
home was more a prison now
independance called out
she had to get it
a fight was all she needed
to give her reason
she slammed the door with no goodbyes
and knew that it was time
and now shes driving too fast
didnt care to glance behind
and through her tears she laughed
its time to leave the past behind
im finally on my own
dont try to tell me no
-Barlow Girls

Its Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas

Im beginning to count down the days until Christmas Break!! Its going to be so great and for the first time in forever my family isnt going anywhere for the holiday!! It will be our first Christmas in this house and i am so pumped about it. Im starting to see winter commercials and the holiday magazines are coming in. And i really hope all of you got to enjoy the weather tonight. It was SO cold and very wet. I loved it! For those of you who were at church tonight you know that i was prepared and ready. I had my jeans and sweatshirt with hood and the infamous and oh so freaking awesome SPOTTY DOTTY THERMOS!! with a built in cup!! if you didnt get to enjoy the thermos you just wait, this will surley not be her only appearence this season. Thats right folks, dotty will return. lol
Tonight was a lot of fun, its nice to take a break from things even if it is only for a few hours. To be around people who really care and who can laugh with you about the stupidest things. Two hours of no drama, no questions, no school, and no worries ((Except for when i thought i had lost my thermos...that was intense)) Maybe these arent the best reasons that i enjoyed going tonight. Maybe it should be more about the serving part, but to be honest i just enjoyed the time away from my life.

thought for the night - i have a test tom which i am not going to study for and i dont care!! :)