...such an awful, tearing sound...

It's where you wake up every morning feeling even more exhausted than the night before. Where you feel like the path you've chosen is the wrong one. Where you feel like everyone else has it all figured out and you're up to your neck in confusion. Where you try your hardest to be who you want to be but only end up dissapointing yourself. Where your spiritual life, though progressing, feels like more work than everyone else makes it seem. Where you're fed up with the world because you realize that every one is human and is capable of letting you down. Where it feels like you are made of two layers, and every emotion you ever feel is only beginning to scratch the first. Where you search for someone to tell you what you want to hear knowing that no one can. Where everything seems so unbelievably plastic and you just want it all to melt. Where the places that you once ran away to are now so familiar that its sickening. Where the people that make you happiest are tearing you down day after day. Where the only amusment you find is in the stupid jokes you make in your head that no one would ever understand. Where it feels like your heart is spilled out on a white, cold table in front of 15 foreign doctors, all failing in their search for your problem. Where you want to just give up and die right there but you know that you have to get away from it...

Thats where I'm at right now.

YoU CaN SeE HeR DaNciNg uNdErNeAtH tHe SpoTLiGhT

I went the whole day today thinking it was Wednesday until cheer practice, and I really hate when that happens....
Anyway, I think my parents are putting speed in my cereal every morning and just not telling me. I honestly think I'm on drugs every day. Like i'll be like really super hyper one second, and then five minutes later I'll be dead tired, and then five minutes after that my whole world is falling apart. I seriously don't know what my head is doing.
Now I recognize that I am some what "transparent" as far as what kind of mood I am in, but it's usually the same mood throughout the whole day.
People probably think I'm insane.

But thats okay.

My schedual is crazy again. Monday, Friday, and Saturday are my off-days. Part of me loves being busy all the time. And then of course part of me hates it.

And well I guess thats it for now. I'll post if something exciting ever happens to me, but it really never does so you know.

...NoThiNg HuRtS WhEn No OnE's ReAl...

Brandon moved out today.
I felt a lot of different things all day, but mostly sad. I didn't really think I would but I definently did.
There was also some guilt in the whole array of emotions. Just because of the anger that I have been feeling towards him this summer. It was just really stupid of me and I had no right to feel that way...but part of me still does.
I dont know. It's hard, it's really really hard and weird and i dont even know. I just wish that we could go back to being little kids for a day because I really miss that. I hate how life changes things. It's just weird that chances are I will never live with him again, and I took so much of that for grant it, especially this summer, and it sucks.
Idk, this is definently harder than I had imagined. So much for the whole relief thing.

::and though I dont know, I dont know what he's after. He's just so beautiful. He's such a beautiful disaster. And if I could hold on through the tears and laughter...would it be beautiful. Or just a beautiful disaster?::

...iS ThAt WhAt YoU CaLL a GeTaWaY...

Well everyone and their mom left, or is leaving, for college this week. Craig, Jordan, Heather, Aly, my brother, and a bajillion more. It's kinda weird...part of me wants to be really excited for them and the other, better part wants to shoot myself in the face. I hate when things change, its weird and crappy and I dont like it. And now, especially at my house, things are going to change dramatically. Although I must admit it is probably going to be a good thing...much less chaotic.

Anyway, tonight was our first biblestudy of the new semester. Sophomore girls '05...! I think this year is gonna be really productive as far as the actual study of the bible goes. I'm also super excited because the majority of us already know eachother so there won't be as big of an awkwardness between us all as there was last year. Plus we all went up to the church afterwards and there were sooo many people there, some that I hadn't seen in an extremely long time. It was really cool to be able to catch up with people and see what they've been doing...and to be able to beat Alex Ehrich in every single game of foosball!!!

School is really sucking. I mean each class is really fun in it's own way, but as a whole it's making me want to die. This is FIRST full week of school, and its only WEDNESDAY, and I honestly feel like we've been going all year. But maybe its just this week that is dragging on, I don't know.

Cheerleading is...different. Last year was MUCH MUCH easier as far as the amount of work we actually did. Even I can admit that this is a sport now. We have done so many sprints, and jumps, and back-handsprings, and triple-toes, and pushups, and situps...its ridiculous. But I think it will eventually make our squads much better and it will definently help me get back in shape.

My friends are amazing. I dont seen nicole, addie, alyx, or jenny basically at all during the school day, not to mention the drama group that I only see when I stop by there for the 15 spare seconds I have before cheer, but my church friends especially are really becoming a big part of my day. Due to my severe hatred towards the commons and everything that it represents, I almost always meet up with cbc people between classes. It's pretty sweet but I still miss my other friends.

So thats what my life is all about these days. Homework is beginning to kill me, I've lost four pounds (even though you cant tell) from working out in cheer, I miss my friends, I love my friends, and I'm kind of freaking because Brandon's leaving. Just thought I'd catch everyone up...I'm sure you're thankful.

**I'm NoT SuRe WhAt YoU'Re gEtTiNg AwAy WiTh**

WhAt'S On My MiNd...

-Aside from my complete and utter hatred towards high school, the first two days havent been so bad. Other than Spanish I have friends in all of my classes, my lunch is awesome because I know sooo many people, and all my classes are non p/ap so it should be pretty easy. Plus our cheer sponsers said that unless we are working for competition or a major performance, we wont have after school practices meaning my schedual wont be too terrible. BUT they are re-doing our in-school practices to the point where I feel like I'm at boot camp. It'll make our team really good, and I'll be in the best shape of my life, but it's gonna suck.
But im still EXTREMELY bitter about starting school back up. I mean really. Screw LISD.

-Anyway, my dad comes home tonight from washington. I hate that he travels so much, it really sucks with out him.

-My brother leaves for college a week from today. I havent decided if I'm relieved or sad. It's probably both. What I do know is that I'm so scared for him. I just don't think he's ready emotionally. I mean I guess I don't really have the right to say that, but I still think it.

-While the Lorenc family looks so nice and sweet and normal from the outside, they are some of the weirdest people I know.

-I don't understand why people spend over 50 dollars on one pair of shoes when you can by comfortable, cute shoes at claire's for $6.50. I mean how stupid are we.

-Hillary Duff really just makes me want to shoot myself in the throat.

-And much like my super-cool friend Brent, I'm having a serious case of writers block. It's like I have SO much to say that I just want to write down and then I start writing and out comes NOTHING. It's REAL fun...lemme tell yah.

-I feel like this year is gonna be better than last year, but I'll still end up getting really stressed and freaked out about everything because thats what I do.

..AnD FiNaLLy ThE SiLeNcE...

Nannying today for the last time. Im glad I got to spend time with my sister all summer but I'm really getting burnt out on this. Plus today we had to clean basically everything in my house so it really sucked. But I found my Houston and Mexico journals, which I had lost, and really enjoyed reading them. A year ago last week I was in Houston with the rest of the team making food for the homeless and playing checkers with ex-drug addicts, or something along those lines. I absolutely loved everything about that trip, and it's really weird to think that it's only been a year since then. It seems like so much has changed. But at the same time a lot hasn't, and that really sucks to think about.
I also read my Mexico journal which was almost funny. I did not love absolutely everything about that trip, but I'm still really glad that I went.
It's just weird that week-long trips can change so much about the way you picture things. I mean it's only six or seven days of work...so why doesn't six or seven days at school have the same effect? I mean I'm not going to be building a house at Marcus or making 7,000 bowls of grits, but there is still so much that needs to be done.
I'm not trying to go all Mother Theresa on you, but it just makes me so mad that, myself included, everyone forgets about stuff like that.
And I always come back from trips with plans to change things, nothing huge, but little things. But looking back, there are so many things that are the same as they were a year ago. I mean I remember sitting in the middle of a hallway in a former drug house with Nathan spilling my freaking heart out about stuff that I'm still dealing with today. That's a really shitty feeling.
I mean why can't I just decide to change things and then do something about it and then not go back on my decision? I mean why is it that I always end up screwing up my "good decisions?"
Okay this is not where I was originally headed.
My point is, I hope that a year from now I can look back and be like, sweet, so much has changed and it rocks.

** And finally the silence
Looking out, looking back across the sky
Trying to find a meaning
Knowing that I just left it all behind
Still I smell a lingering softness
Where did she go
How did she go
I wanna wanna know
I wanna know that she'll be coming here to me
Come on Without you I'll never feel the love inside of me**

I've Only Lived With You All My LIfe

-- cant you see...cant you see? that the charade, is over. And all the best deceptions and the glamour cover story awards...go to you. --

{{ well you'd like to think that you were invincible, yeah, well weren't we all once...before we felt loss for the first time }}

+ hope has sprung a perfect dive, a perfect day, a perfect lie. A slowly crafted monologue conceding your defeat. +

\\ consider the odds \\ consider the obvious \\ the martyr is meaningless \\ the campaign has died \\ in the planning stages, and the falling faces \\ are the singular proof that it was ever alive \
**You expect me to apologize for things that you've done wrong. While you're inciting others. You're owning up to nothing**

:: My sighs they ring victorious & fog this tinted glass. It's clouded & so is my head. The hint of these new tears are sharp ::

~^~ The frightening facts we've been facing our backs for so long now are begging for eyes to bear witness to lies & indifference ~^~

(( two weeks early, you left without warning. Leaving behind your bitter words swarming. You took all our hearts, they're on the road with you. And as you depart, your actions lack virtue. Its sad to admit that we're still holding on, to the hope that one day we'll know why you're gone. But until the day comes when you let us back in, we sit and we wait for our lives to begin. again. ))

...ShE LeFt aLL ShE HaD BeLiEvEd iN...

Everyone go check out the Liz's blog! It's probably one of my favorite blogs that anyone has ever written because Liz is an emo genious. And this blog is unbelievably amazing. Here's a link... www.clickitidareyou.blogspot.com You wont regret it.

And if you want to see me AND liz working our little butts off tomorow, bring your car to the parking lot of the Kroger on 1171. It's free but your donations support the Marcus cheerleading program. (haha) But just come so you can see us!! We work from 12-2pm!!!

bLoGsPoT Vs. XaNgA

More points for xanga now that I am about to get a music list. Not to mention the fact that in the last 3 xanga entries I've had exactly 23 comments, where as in the last 3 blogs I've had a total of 10, most of which were the "i-feel-bad-because-no-one-left-any-comments" kind of comments.

I'm just saying.

...YoU DoN't DeFiNe mE...

I HATE SCHOOOOLLL!!!!!!!!!!!

im so freaking bitter right now, you have NO idea.

I mean why.

SCHOOL IS SO FREAKING STUPID AND I HATE IT SOOOO MUCH!

anyway...on a different note...come to my carwash this saturday from 12-2. It's at the Kroger on like 1171 i believe (not albertsons like i orginially was told,) and its free!! You get to see me and have your car cleaned all at the same time! It's win-win.
SO COME OR I'LL HATE YOU!

ALMOST AS MUCH AS I HATE SHCOOOL...but thats kind of impossible because i hate it more than ANYTHING IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!